seedarklyxero | Vague Retrospective: My Year of Mutation 2018

That word. "Mutation." It's been on my mind a lot since Stan Lee died. (More on that here.)
And it's such an appropriate word to describe my constant state this year: mutating.
Physically. Mentally. Socially. Even professionally. Most of which has been for the better.

Some of you know me, both in passing and well, enough to note that something is different about me.
I've changed a lot in this past year. I expect those changes to continue, though there are limits. I don't expect to share those changes in their entirety on public social media. Questions of "courage," "truth," "privilege," etc... being all that they may be on the topic... the fact is I have reason and the responsibility to be "cautious," though not necessarily "afraid," so I have to select what I say, show, and share with some care.
I made a rather big decision around this time last year on a day I checked my weight and felt I was heading down a truly unhealthy path if I didn't do something. But the decision was more than just "lose weight" or "get fit." I needed a more drastic change... and by February I could no longer deny committing fully to it.
The results have blown my mind.
Fitness, personal appearance, style, willingness to challenge myself to experience some new things...
I really like who I've become this year... and I like who I see myself becoming. There are many things that have not changed and will not, some things maybe I would like to change but know I won't for a variety of reasons. But what has changed has made me so much happier, healthier, and more at home with myself.

And yet every day this year we've faced daily news of truly gruesome, horrifying, and downright evil acts of criminal inhumanity. So I live with that dissonance of feeling this has been a truly amazing year for me personally while also being, for many others, an extraordinarily difficult and awful year for reasons you'd have to willfully ignore or be part of to not recognize.
I also have dissonance of having wanted to share these experiences with old friends, with whom I was close but from whom I had to distance myself. Walking away is never easy, especially when it's necessary for one's mental health. On one hand I have some regret about it, but on the other, I'm actually much happier for it.

In some ways, I also regret that I have to choose not to share this all more fully with all the excitement I feel about it.
I owe a great deal of where I am today to the support, encouragement, and love of my wife and close friends. I'm appreciative in ways I may never fully express.

It's possible all of this has raised some questions. I'm happy to answer them to the best of my ability, depending on the medium in which they are asked... suffice to say I feel more comfortable in some forums and less so in others.
It's also a truth that I HAVE many questions... and if you understand this thoroughly nebulous nonsense I've written well enough want to help me answer those, please let me know.

So here's to the end of the year, the beginning of the next, and all the positive changes the prior had brought and the latter can bring!
For the first time in a long time, I'm really looking forward to it.
I actually have hope again!